Replan, Refocus, Rejoice

In 1992 when I first arrived in the Netherlands, recently married to a Dutch diplomat I had met while we were both expatriates in Brazil, I put the lessons of my own ‘globally mobile’ past to work. This would be to make friends and build a community with people who would still be around as I moved back and forth. I knew even then that we would spend a career of leaving and returning to the Netherlands.

I had always lived a ‘globally mobile’ life. First, as the daughter of a Canadian Diplomat and then as an international professional with the United Nations. I had moved on average every four years since the day I was born in West Germany to the day, married to a Dutchman, I landed in the Netherlands. Our family and I had collected traditions, recipes, friends and customs from around the world. These were incorporated into our lives and our sense of being. It still makes me smile to know that my Jamaican grandfather was ‘Opa’ (since I was born in Germany) and he assumed this title for the rest of his life. Years later, hearing the word Opa in a Jamaican accent fills my heart.

Then there are the recipes – so many delicious, varied recipes picked up over the years, and which are still part of our ‘family dinners’ with my two Dutch/Canadian children. Many of these recipes encouraged my children’s friends to ‘get invited’ for dinner – “It’s always a surprise at your house,” they would say.

We cannot overlook the impact of languages in our household. I have expressions in languages I no longer speak but are woven into my English and spoken with the right intonation. It confuses some people yet receives smiles of appreciation from others. This was my life, so I knew what I had to do when I arrived in my new country, the Netherlands.

Or rather, I thought I did.

Local Landing

It was not long into our three years of being ‘home’ (here in NL) when I realised that no matter how hard I tried, finding a community among the locals was not going to fully work. I needed people who were like me – those who had lived in different places, spoke different languages, were married to other nationals, had diverse kitchens, and more. This was ‘my normal’, and I needed that just as much as the elements of the new life I was building. Without these experiences I was not going to ‘land’ successfully.

So I branched out to several different international communities; I went to more ‘ladies coffee mornings’ than I found comfortable, attended events I would have otherwise never even heard of, and slowly found the individuals and networks I could build on and thrive. Some of the Dutch friends I made then are still friends now, but not all of them. This is not a ‘fault’ statement, it is simply an honest reflection of the need for there to be ‘something’ that connects people and allows friendships to grow. Our worlds were so far apart that it was difficult for some, and for me to find a common thread. I needed some of the world I’d left behind to be part of my world in my new home, and I found it by creating a balance between what I needed to do to ‘fit in’ (make some local friends) and what I needed to thrive (find the tribe that would understand me).

My Conclusion

We left the Netherlands three years later, spending eight years overseas in two countries and growing the family with two bi–cultural children born in different countries – this was my normal. The marriage did not survive the return, and the children being young entered Dutch schools and continued in the Dutch system. I stayed as well. Today my children have a hard time explaining why one was born in South Africa and the other in Colombia or why exploring dishes from different parts of the world is so natural to them. With a network of local and ‘global’ friends, I have found my home to be just right.

So, make a plan but be prepared to readjust it and find a balance that works for YOU! Make sure there are elements of your life that allow you to celebrate what ‘was’ but take advantage of what ‘is’ as well.

ACCESS Stories is a monthly newsletter with the heartfelt intent to help you make the most of your new lives in the Lowlands. Replan, Refocus, Rejoice is our first story, written by Deborah Valentine, Executive Director of ACCESS.

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