Overcoming Loneliness, Creating Friendships

Twelve and a half years ago I came to the Netherlands, not as a trailing spouse, but as a student. I had already completed one master’s degree in psychology back home, and I moved here to pursue my second one. From the very beginning I knew I wanted to stay. I had this inner drive, this curiosity for the multinational experience: the idea of living, working, and growing in an environment that brought together people from all over the world.

For the first two years everything felt exciting. I was busy with my studies, spending time with my classmates, starting up my own practice and getting used to life here. But after two years, something shifted. Many of the friends I had made during my studies left; some moved back to their home countries, others to new adventures elsewhere. And suddenly, I found myself feeling… well, lonely.

It’s something many expats will recognize: this strange in-between place of not quite belonging to your new country, but also not feeling entirely ‘at home’ when you go back home. You start to wonder where you truly belong.

How I built my circle in a new country

That question stayed with me until one day, I decided to treat my loneliness like a project. I sat down and made an agreement with myself: We’re going to work on this strategically, kindly, and patiently—and we’ll bring the results we want.

I broke down this project into three areas.

First, I looked at my existing professional relationships. I already knew many people through work, professional network and projects. I asked myself: Could any of these relationships grow into genuine friendships? Sometimes we underestimate how many meaningful connections are right in front of us.

Second, I thought of people with whom I already had a spark of connection, maybe a shared laugh or a deeper conversation once. I decided to invest a little more effort—send that message, suggest that coffee, follow up. Building friendships takes intention and I wanted to show up for it.

Third, I opened myself to meeting new people. I started exploring activities that aligned with my hobbies, such as hiking, painting and attending cultural events, places where I could meet others who shared similar passions.

And then I did something I’d never done before: I joined an online platform (not a dating site) designed for people who want to make female friends. I created my profile and hit ‘publish’.

Before I started reaching out, I reminded myself: We’re going to face some rejection, and that’s okay. I wanted to normalize it. The first person I messaged never replied. And that was fine; it was part of the process.

But a few days later, another woman reached out to me. She didn’t live in my city, but we started chatting on WhatsApp. The more we talked, the more we realized how much we had in common—shared values, humour, even life dreams. And then we discovered something funny and almost magical: we have the same birthday.

Four years later, we’re still best friends. We go hiking, shopping, cook for each other, and share those deep, grounding conversations that make you feel seen and understood.

Making the effort

Looking back, I realize that what helped me wasn’t luck; it was a mindset shift. I stopped waiting for friendship to ‘just happen’ and started co-creating it. I treated connection like something I could nurture, with curiosity and resilience.

And yes, there were moments of disappointment and silence and awkward beginnings. But if you stay open, realistic, and gentle with yourself you’ll eventually find your people, the ones who are meant to be part of your story.

Today, my social life feels full and deeply satisfying. I’m genuinely happy with the friendships I’ve built over the years. Each relationship holds a different kind of connection, unique, imperfect, and beautiful in its own way. With some friends I explore my artistic side, with others I share my entrepreneurial dreams and challenges. There’s no perfection in any of it; we’re all a little messy, vulnerable, and human, yet we accept and support each other just as we are. And that to me is the essence of belonging.

So, to anyone who’s just arrived in a new country or finds themselves feeling disconnected— see it as a project, not a failure. Loneliness is not a permanent state; it’s a message that connection is missing from our lives, and we need to go out there and find it. Allow yourself to be brave enough to reach out, to try, to be rejected, and to try again. Because somewhere out there, there’s someone waiting to celebrate your birthday with you, too.

Vassia Sarantopoulou

Greek, but now with Dutch nationality

Came here as a student – not a student anymore

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