Mind the Stairs (And Other Stories from Home)

In one of the first places I lived in Amsterdam, my roommates were the entire cast of Boom Chicago, the famed improv company that has been entertaining audiences in Amsterdam since 1993. 

The house was located behind Victorieplein in the Rivierenbuurt district. We’d heard Rivierenbuurt was a pretty quiet neighbourhood, and this spot was perhaps the quietest. The five of us had the whole house to ourselves. The stairs were even narrower and steeper than anything I’d ever seen. My room, in fact, was accessed by a plain-old ladder—an actual LADDER!

The south-facing balconies looked out to a lush, green courtyard, and as soon as we got into the house, we flung open the doors and cranked up some tunes—Beastie Boys, if memory serves. It was perhaps 15 seconds before the angry banging began, and it would not be the last time the folks next door protested against their new noisy American neighbours.

It wasn’t until we moved into our second place that I first encountered a phenomenon I had never heard of before: The Rent Police. One day, there was a knock at the door. My roommate opened it and announced that the police wanted to come in. I assumed it was due to the neighbours complaining about the noise. But no, it was the Rent Police (as opposed to the real police), and they wanted to check the details of our rental agreement. Somehow, that sounded even worse! They asked how many of us were living in the flat, how many were allowed to live there, and how much monthly rent each of us was paying. I said I’d feel more comfortable answering these questions if our bosses were present, as they were the ones who had arranged the rental. The Rent Police then explained the reason they were there: to protect us from our bosses! That’s what the Rent Police are all about—not kicking people out, but making sure people are not being made to pay too much. What a concept! I felt more at home than ever.

From the east side of Amsterdam, we moved to the northwest to the charming neighbourhood of Bos en Lommer. Here we found ourselves renting from a circus duo named Vincent & Marli. It was a nice big place, but there was a catch. The circus wasn’t doing so well, so they’d moved into the tiny storage space upstairs to live rent-free. The deal was we had the place to ourselves—unless they needed to use the toilet. Or unless they needed to use the kitchen. Or unless they needed to rehearse their act in the spacious living room. To be fair, they were on the road a lot, so it was a pretty good deal for us. And when they did rehearse, it was amazing. Vincent was a large man with a Las Vegas hairdo, and Marli was a petite Eastern European girl who wore a lot of makeup. We’d often wake up hungover on Saturday mornings to find our man Vincent throwing tiny Marli all over the place. We loved it.

Now it’s time for a little quiz to test your knowledge of all things neighbourly in the Netherlands.

Question number 1

The neighbours on your street have placed a wooden stork in their garden. They’ve just had a baby. You are friendly with said neighbours, and they always greet you. What should you do first? 

1. Put a greeting card in their post box 
2. Visit your neighbours to see the baby 
3. Wait a few days and then visit the baby 

Answer: A. In other words, never drop in on your neighbours unannounced. When Dutch people say “You must come over sometime,” what they mean is you should pull out your agenda and say, “How about the third Thursday next month?” And don’t be surprised if these are the same people who have their front windows at street level with the curtains wide open so you can look in and see everything they’re doing. But if you ring the doorbell without an afspraak (literally meaning “appointment”), they’ll close the curtains and hide in the corner like, “We’re not here!”

Question number 2

What is the rationale behind Dutch staircases? 

1. To celebrate Dutch nautical history 
2. To be efficient with space 
3. To punish humanity

Answer: B & C. Dutch staircases are notorious for being bizarrely steep, twisted, and inhumane—in other words, ‘normal.’ Some older Dutch houses feature staircases that seem to have been literally ripped out of old ships. Obviously, when space is limited, it’s necessary to be efficient. But even in newer, more spacious housing, Dutch building codes still require steepness and a maximum number of twists and turns. It’s no wonder the Dutch word for staircase is trap—as in ‘something you fall into.’

Question number 3

What is the Dutch version of a ‘Full Bath?’

1. Bathtub that is full
2. An empty room with a shower head
3. A full bathroom with bathtub, shower, toilet, and sink 

Answer: B. In Dutch houses, there is rarely a bathtub. More likely, there is a shower head in one corner with not even the pretence of a shower curtain. Rather, there may be a squeegee, with which Dutch people can engage in their favourite pastime of moving water where they want it to go. The toilet will be located in a separate room—or water closet—where toilet aromas can be more acutely concentrated.

For me, living in Amsterdam these past many years has always offered a unique glimpse into the Dutch way of life, where open curtains and matching lamps illuminate not just homes but the spirit of openness and harmony that defines the city. As you stroll through the charming streets, these elements of everyday life reflect the balance between privacy and connection, inviting the outside world into carefully curated interiors while maintaining a sense of warmth and individuality. In Amsterdam, life happens both inside and out, seamlessly blending tradition with modernity, where even the simplest details—like the glow of a matching lamp through an open window—tell a story of a city that values beauty, balance, and belonging. Just one final word of advice from a seasoned Amsterdammer…mind the stairs!

*Some material from Greg’s article has been excerpted from his book “The American Netherlander: 25 Years of Expat Tales.” (2020, Scriptum XPat Publishers).”

About the author

Greg Shapiro is a Chicago-born, multi-faceted entertainer with a wide array of experiences spanning a 30-year career devoted to performance, corporate speaking and event hosting. Shapiro has acted in numerous films and is a much-in-demand voiceover artist, lending his distinctive voice to a multitude of projects. An accomplished author, Shapiro has penned three books including The American Netherlander: 25 Years of Expat Tales (2020) recounting his captivating exploration, personal journey and experiences abroad.

As originally published in ACCESS magazine.

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